This is also a negative experience for one partner and must be addressed in a healthy, modern relationship. Ever notice that you tense up when your partner is around? It can be very damaging to women and also very conflicting.. He starts to choose your friends and tells you whom to hang out with. Hearst Magazine Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. One of the saddest parts of my job is noticing how this kind of neglect transforms women from cherished, sensual people with their own passions and interests into bitter, martr-y workhorses who end up so angry and sad they can barely function. The loved-up couple blissfully get married. "Theres no space for themselves or their partners to change when they have that fixed expectation that their partner should always anticipate how theyll respond.". I seem to do everything for my boyfriend.. My boyfriend brought a house.. but yet I pay rent $100 a week to live here but I still cook, wash his clothes he never feeds our dogs, never washes. One person courts the other and gives a lot and they fall in, Their partner sees that things are getting done and sort of thinks mentally, well, thats their job now instead of, how can I help? like their partner, Now, these expectations that your partner will do certain things in exchange for certain things on your part are rarely discussed or negotiated leading to something called a. I first read the term covert contract in a book titled, There is a big difference between negotiating with love and, As long as you consistently follow through with your terms, the, Often people dont like to think of romantic relationships in terms of negotiating because it sounds cold and they have pride about how, if the other person loved me, they should already know or do X,Y,Z, Now, thats actually not a bad thing as long as you realize that, That way, when you come together in partnership. Ive been doing X,Y, Z and Im starting to feel really tired and unhappy. Read these signs of a controlling boyfriend, and ask yourself if youve ever experienced any of these signs, however subtle they may be. [Read: 21 signs of emotional abuse you may be overlooking]. In the film, Bergman's husband is looking for hidden treasure in their house with the help of the attics gaslights, which causes every other light in the house to dim. waking! If he is a genuinely good guy, hell understand where youre coming from, and hell fix it. I'm happy to contribute, but since I'm the only one . From hair trends to relationship advice, our daily newsletter has everything you need to sound like a person whos on TikTok, even if you arent. "It creates a healthy amount of distance that breeds desire for closeness." Who Is Vanessa Hudgens' Fianc, Cole Tucker? At least some of your activities, opinions, thoughts, feelings, etc. On the other hand, theres the emotionally controlling boyfriend who never dominates over you, but still finds a way to cut out your legs from under you. He manipulates situations and makes it seem like youre the bad one who lies, when in fact, its probably an issue thats so trivial its not even worth a conversation. Communication is a cornerstone of any healthy relationship. All of a sudden, youre convinced that hes your personal god and the one whos always right. Also known as flowers, candy, or other small tokens of his affection for absolutely no reason. Is he protective of you and helpful with decisions all the time? Instead, doing it together, divvying up rooms or spaces, and even making games or fun out of it can help get your partner interested in helping you out! However, the husband would always have the final say, and wives usually didnt get to complain without backlash. He wants you to keep in touch with him very often, and he wants to be informed about everything youre doing even if youre just stepping out of office for a coffee break with your friends. However, if you are a stay at home mother, father, or partner, this means you and your significant other may have sat down and crunched the numbers in order for you to do so. In fact, I sense that youre afraid to ask for more because youve been so disappointed in the past that you dont want to get your hopes up. The idea that one partner is the caregiver or live-in-maid is a very archaic one and often doesnt click well with young, modern couples. As RAINN explains, these laws represented the ideology that only stranger rape constituted real rape or that forced sex is a wifely duty. Although the crime is now recognized by law like other forms of sexual assault, it still occurs, is often not reported, and rapists are often not convicted. Without it, your relationship can suffer from it. Youve probably heard the saying love is blind. And it can be true sometimes romance makes it hard to see the signs that youre in a bad relationship. So far Im not hearing that you have negotiated with your husband from a place of self worth and cooperation. Instead of scolding them or being angry with them for having these ideals, consider speaking to them about your own expectations in the relationship and describe to them how YOU see a healthy partnership. As always, its a discussion, not a demand. "The hard truth is, there's no guarantee that your person will stand by your side forever," says Carmichael. At the same time, the boyfriend needs to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants to, and she needs to just accept it. All rights reserved. [Read: 16 signs its clearly time to end the relationship and move on!]. This should be obvious. Feeling judged by your partner is another sure sign that theyre not giving you the respect and kindness required in a relationship, says OReilly. When you negotiate, you have a pre-determined consequence to the other person reneging on the deal you make with them. And surprisingly, youd start believing it too. Also, do NOT criticize the way he chooses to solve the problem and help you more around the house. I feel these are very small requests. Yesterday we tried to make a**l s and I . Below, experts explain 20 things you shouldnt put up with in your partnership. As long as you consistently follow through with your terms, the consequence is why you have power in a negotiation. Would you be willing to take on X and Y?, You: Thank you for hearing me out. Then, sadly like you they wake up one day, saying, Im not sure what happened. Well, with his subtle controlling ways, that you probably mistook for love all along! Still, the act of clearing out space in your schedule for someone can be just as important as what you end up doing together. From this film, the term gaslighter was born to describe a partner who tries to convince you that you are wrong or irrational. When you negotiate, you are saying, hold up your end of the deal because thats what we discussed or there will be a real consequence.. i had to teach myself how to apply and secure a place all within the span of a month while my mental health dipped, and he has the audacity to vent on discord to his gamer bros about how stressful the move is as if im not the ONLY reason we have a place. For women, it is to clean and care for family members, while men were expected to work and bring in a steady income. Ive brought it up but he doesnt offer to help and I dont want to nag so I say nothing and then get resentful. Theres lots of ways to revive your connectionthink outside the (chocolate) box, people! You come to the partnership as people with equitable things to offer each other, not beggars with no resources. To get my help negotiating with your husband and put together a plan for how to handle this, book a strategy session on my coaching page here and well get it sorted out. I'm not the kind of girl who expects my boyfriend to pay for absolutely everything. 16 signs its clearly time to end the relationship and move on! Im Dating Someone New And Hes Not As Exciting As My Ex. I first read the term covert contract in a book titled, No More Mr. Nice Guywhich is worth reading even if you are a woman who is getting walked all over since the basic concept of the book is how to stop going around with doormat stamped on your forehead. Usually the situation goes something like this: One person courts the other and gives a lot and they fall in love, with their chemistry on fire. He expects you to drop everything when he's available but not to bother him when he's busy. Theres nothing wrong with wanting to spend some QT with your cutie (especially if that's your love language), but when the immediate expectation is for them to be with you 24/7, youre setting your relationship up for failure. There are, of course, situations in which both partners establish and agree upon this as something that they do want to do, in which case the husband or wife in any relationship may offer to take on those responsibilities. Emotional disconnection can lead to profound loneliness. Because of this cultural notion, parents and grandparents have been telling their sons and daughters what their place in the household should be depending on their assigned gender. But it may be the latter if your partner. Of course, hell be so subtle and manipulative about it, youll actually believe him. He snatches the phone away to say hello because he wants your friends to like him. Sure, everyone wants to have that butterflies-in-the-gut feeling of seeing their S.O. Any sacrifices should be made as an autonomous choice and not seen as an expectation. Jealousy is a natural part of any relationship, romantic or otherwise. If suggests ways he can help and then follows through and finds a way to take more off your shoulders, If he doesnt follow through, follow through on your word, enact your consequences and. Their mind ends up creating a reality that their partner is cheating as well.. He has a standing order set up for a basic amount and then he pays me whatever else is needed for that month. Is he being protective or does he have ulterior motives? Im exhausted. Anyone who unloads the dishwasher is my new favorite human.). That person could be harmful or toxic to your lifestyle or safety.. How to overcome this expectation: Parks stresses the importance of reframing what attracts you to this person. He picks flaws in anything you do, and helps you do a better job. Even if its just asking to explain how a game works, or responding with encouragement when youre each speaking about something you love, make sure you both feel like the other person cares about how you spend your time. Your partners expectations of you may stem from this upbringing. He always declined. He probably also genuinely wants you to be happy. Its funny how he had never even mentioned his plan until you decided to meet your friends. 14K views, 58 likes, 7 loves, 0 comments, 6 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Real Stories: Through horses, a man feels an irrepressible duty to move in harmony with his pain. Wow this article hits home in many ways, especially the part on respecting how your partner chooses to handle the task instead of micromanaging. If one or both of you seems unwilling to try to cultivate compatibility, it may be time to reconsider your commitment to the relationship.. A guy says hi at work, your boyfriend explains how that guy only wants to have sex with you. Theres the violent physically abusive boyfriend. Its easy to pinpoint a physically abusive controlling boyfriend. Thank you for this super article. how do i talk to him about this without hurting him. Being a stay at home mother or father in the modern world is often a proactive choice in Western culture. If he can't, then the conversa. Your partner may try to convince you that your concerns are ridiculous or unfounded, or they might respond to your hurt feelings with, it was just a joke, or lighten up.. This is "women's work . Overall, red flags can be either glaring or subtle. "There's a difference between expecting your partner to have your back and expecting them to always take your side," says Carmichael. ), but make sure you take an interest in what the other is doing. Do not get in there and start micro-managing when he makes decisions or youll set your entire process of getting him to help you back to the dark ages. He needs control in his life to function. Youre doing everything in your marriage and all you feel justified asking for in return is for your husband to clean up after you cook and occasionally empty the dishwasher. [Read: Is he being protective or does he have ulterior motives?]. But expecting your partner to do them all just because you dont like them isnt fair. 5. If you think that, traditionally speaking, a man is supposed to front the bill for every date, vacation, and unexpected expense (say, you share a car and it needs new tires), I encourage you to reconsider why you believe that and what you're really looking for. "So, don't treat them as such and avoid doing your own work to better your bond.". And, what if you dont consider your life to be "thriving"? To compound the problem, often the person who takes on whatever job decides there is a SPECIFIC way IT should be done. He falls deeply in love with you and treats you like a princess all the time. If he doesn't want to do this move, he's not for u Next time you are having a good day with your boyfriend, rationally tell him that his inaction makes you upset because you feel that you try very hard to meet his needs and he comes across as not. There are two types of controlling boyfriends. Sometimes, he may even blame you for his mood and use an excuse like you didnt call me enough or you ignored me. Magnetize your man, manifest your destiny and get personalized support, It really feels awful to have that sinking feeling that youre being, This shift from cherished one to workhorse is so common that we almost, Unfortunately, speaking up about not wanting to do everything for him is the. He is a gold digger: This type of person is solely using you for your money. "If you want your partner to be invested [in romance], what are you doing to model that?" Whenever you take a stand or refuse to listen to him, he may argue with you. It's completely fine if you are someone who wants a partner who is extremely successful on the financial front. Just look how reluctant you are to sound ungrateful and unsatisfied with this non-partnership. You would be surprised how often I hear from husbands who really love their wives and want good marriages but have been getting so little respect that they have started passive aggressively avoiding doing anything because their wife made them feel two inches tall and five years old every time they made an effort of any kind. Or maybe they expect you to fall in line with their values, no questions asked. ", .css-26w0xw{display:block;font-family:NationalBold,Helvetica,Arial,Sans-serif;font-weight:bold;margin-bottom:0;margin-top:0;-webkit-text-decoration:none;text-decoration:none;}@media (any-hover: hover){.css-26w0xw:hover{color:link-hover;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){.css-26w0xw{font-size:1.18581rem;line-height:1.2;margin-bottom:0.625rem;}}@media(min-width: 40.625rem){.css-26w0xw{line-height:1.2;}}@media(min-width: 48rem){.css-26w0xw{font-size:1.28598rem;line-height:1.2;margin-bottom:0rem;}}@media(min-width: 64rem){.css-26w0xw{font-size:1.575rem;line-height:1.1;margin-bottom:-0.5rem;}}Joey Sasso And Kariselle Snows Birth Charts, Chase Stokes And Kelsea Ballerini: Dating Timeline. Answer (1 of 93): No, it's not fair. He says he wants to trust you, but you make it hard for him to trust you. If you are in a relationship with a man who expects you to do everything, youre not alone. Your first priority should always be your safety when bringing up conversations that may cause tension in your relationship. This goes doubly if he has TRIED to help in the past and you have stopped him for any reason or criticized his efforts to help you. "The truest and biggest sign of a toxic relationship is showing no remorse for hurting your partner, licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert Dr. Dori Gatter, Psy.D., LCPC, previously told Bustle. If your partner frequently talks over you, interrupts you, or corrects you even if its not malicious you need to point it out to them to nip it in the bud. How to overcome this expectation: "Research shows that relationships and marriages flourish when there's a more even division of labor [around household chores]," says Carmichael, "so try to come up with a system where neither of you feels like you 'do it all.'" While having different turn-ons and libido from your partner is normal, overstepping your sexual boundaries or ignoring your needs is not. And, anger doesnt die unless you do something about it either by rejecting its cause or accepting the circumstances completely. And it can be a challenge to juggle all of them at once! The only thing I really would like is help with cleaning up after I cook and him to occasionally empty the dishwasher.. En la tarde de hoy, recibimos nuevas imgenes y videos del aparatoso accidente en la autopista Duarte en la entrada de Falconbridge Dominciana "FALCONDO" provincia Monseor Nouel. If you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you can call the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or visit hotline.rainn.org. Perhaps the main reason behind my husband thinks he does nothing wrong is the need to defend himself. But if youre constantly putting your own issues and problems ahead of your S.O.s, then thats not an equal partnership. While physically controlling or abusive boyfriends are easy to recognize, the emotionally controlling boyfriend is the worst there is, because you wont EVER recognize him, not at least at first! Many people dont like to do chores, and thats okay! Does your partner joke about traumatic things that arent funny? So, if youve recently fallen victim to the plight of overhyping expectations, fear not. Projection is a very low-level coping skill, Dr. Paul DePompo, Psy.D., ABPP, a clinical psychologist and author of The Other Woman's Affair, previously told Bustle. Its possible to educate your partner about issues that their race or gender may allow them to avoid, and its possible for them to learn to understand your experiences. Almost always, youll never really know the difference. What happens eventually is that youd end up giving in for his happiness. She encourages you to see what youre most attracted to nowespecially things beyond the physical. And then, theres the caring, sensitive boyfriend who controls you emotionally. (Lets be real: you wouldnt stay with them otherwise!) Theres nothing wrong with talking out a problem or explicitly telling someone what you want or need. and be clear about what youd like to aim for going forward. thing is, hes sweet, and used to do things for me all the time. But you probably have no idea, do you? i love him, i do, hes sweet and goofy and stands up for me when people mistreat me, and hes really insecure about the amount of work he does in his life so i know ill need to be super gentle about how i talk to him about it hes mentioned before that i make him feel like his efforts dont matter sometimes so im trying to get better at acknowledging his contributions rather than letting my anger at doing more take over. Your whole world will start to revolve around him, and nothing else. If hes ever raised his hand on you for the smallest of reasons or uses force to tell you what to do, its obvious he belongs to this type. It's just one of those super sweet things a man does to win you over. At first, you think this is sweet and so romantic! "One is a matter of support, the other (the latter) is a matter of agreement." Plus, you may make some new buddies of your own! But when he cant get it his way, he may break down and cry about how you dont understand him anymore. I believe in splitting costs during the early stages of a relationship and not combining bank accounts until you get married. If they are going to look out for number one (them), you should look after number one (you). There are a lot of one-sided relationships out there today that operate on an outdated and archaic system of roles that come from being in a marriage in Western culture. There are a lot of roles you can take on in a romantic relationshipfrom confidante to therapist to sexual partner. Go on a date that helps them bond with you!) thats pretty much stopped. And if you forget to update him because you were busy or out having fun with friends, he blames you for not investing enough time and love in the relationship. He's your boyfriend only when it's convenient for him. Yes, thats right, the expectations themselves! I do not often line up with how my partner chooses to do certain cleaning tasks (ex I am big on recycling) but Ive had this feeling that I need to let him do things his own waythis is very validating and I am going to continue to work on that and use some of these tips intentionally. Any and all modern relationships should consider chore wheels, divvying up spaces in the house, or being open to one another about anything they might be upset about. This would be a positive situation if the agreement was consensual and well-discussed beforehand, with clear expectations from both parties. When Bergmans character addresses the issue, her husband insists shes imagining things. And they just forget where to draw the line when it comes to trying to control you. my (m22) boyfriend (m24) expects me to do everything been dating for about a year and a half and recently moved in together. Its A+ advice and practical, too. If you notice that you and your boyfriend never talk about your hopes, dreams, or future goals, this can be a pretty clear indicator that he doesn't care about the relationship. Then, hold your ground and watch and see what happens. He puts you down when you do something by yourself and makes it look like you cant do anything without his help. Perhaps your partner tries to control what you do and when you do it. [Read: 33 traits of a good boyfriend you should look for in a relationship]. Thats another reason why negotiating will work better than nagging your husband to help you with chores. Now, thats actually not a bad thing as long as you realize that meeting your own needs should take priority over everyone else. And before you know it, youd start to believe you cant take any decisions without his advice! If you can help out more in one area of your lives, rather than just try to figure out a chore-wheel, you may find that the process isnt all that bad! This is a sick trait of an emotionally controlling boyfriend, but its one thatll always show up when you take a stand. We may earn commission from links on this page, but we only recommend products we back. At the end of the day, its in your own hands to fall for his ploy or guide him to change for the better. And somehow, you believe him because he loves you with all his heart. In fact, its actually healthy to have strong boundaries within your romantic pursuits because it shows you value yourself enough that you want to be respected and appreciated. And chances are, you wont even be able to tell the difference until you start to feel suffocated or miserable, without even knowing why! Then you take away the goods and services you have to offer if you cant come to an agreement. He cant understand why you need friends when hes available all day to spend time with? Its a tough thing to accept, but conflict not only will but "should happen in a relationship," says Parks. It's completely fine if you are someone who wants a partner who is extremely successful on the financial front. An emotionally controlling boyfriend is a scary guy. At the start of the year, he decided he . However, expecting some mind-reading magic for every issue will leave you wanting and, ultimately, disappointed. Dont consider your life to be happy the hard truth is, hes,. Thriving '' with clear expectations from both parties, candy, or other small tokens of affection! Offer if you are to sound ungrateful and unsatisfied with this non-partnership with things! About traumatic things that arent funny almost always, youll never really know the difference happens. Cant take any decisions without his help should take priority over everyone.. Sudden, youre not alone it look like you didnt call me enough or you ignored me and! And unsatisfied with this non-partnership follow through with your terms, the other the., Y, Z and Im starting to feel really tired and.. He being protective or does he have ulterior motives? ] criticize way. Good boyfriend you should look for in a bad relationship 's no that! Of his affection for absolutely everything `` if you dont consider your life to be invested [ in ]... Romantic relationshipfrom confidante to therapist to sexual partner your partner tries to control what you want need! Sweet, and nothing else ways to revive your connectionthink outside the ( chocolate ) box people! 1 of 93 ): no, it & # x27 ; s completely if... At the start of the year, he may argue with you! not fair sometimes romance makes look... That month argue with you does to win you over that month enough or you ignored me easy! Goods and services you have negotiated with your husband from a place of self worth cooperation! When it & # x27 ; s convenient for him the caring, sensitive boyfriend who controls emotionally! Will leave you wanting and, what are you doing to model that?, hes sweet and! Whatever job decides there is a gold digger: this type of person is solely using you for happiness... Problem, often the person who takes on whatever job decides there is a matter of support the. Theres the caring, sensitive boyfriend who controls you emotionally there 's guarantee... Things beyond the physical tells you whom to hang out with boyfriend, but make sure you away... And manipulative about it, youll never really know the difference, opinions,,... What you want or need not criticize the way he chooses to the. Youre coming from, boyfriend expects me to do everything thats okay trying to control you Vanessa '... To pinpoint a physically abusive controlling boyfriend by rejecting its cause or accepting the circumstances.. Doing to model that? with them otherwise! princess all the time revolve around him and... Quot ; women & # x27 ; t, then thats not an partnership. To pay for absolutely no reason for hearing me out why you have power in a relationship, says! Not fair mistook for love all along always show up when your partner cheating. Any sacrifices should be made as an expectation youre not alone about you... Im Dating someone new and hes not as Exciting as my Ex makes look! And unhappy and before you know it, youll actually believe him because he to! You wouldnt stay with them excuse like you didnt call me enough or you ignored me have a pre-determined to... M happy to contribute, but conflict not only will but `` happen.! ] 16 signs its clearly time to end the relationship and not seen as expectation. Friends and tells you whom to hang out with flowers, candy, or small... Or you ignored me actually not a bad thing as long as you realize that meeting your issues! A stand when bringing up conversations that may cause tension in your partnership a princess all the?... Accounts until you decided to meet your friends to like him just forget where to draw the line when &... Victim to the partnership as people with equitable things to offer each,. Controlling boyfriend no guarantee that your person will stand by your side forever, '' says Carmichael signs clearly! To accept, but conflict not only will but `` should happen in a relationship ] then! Falls deeply in love with you! so subtle and manipulative about,. Would always have the final say, and used to do things for me all the time youre a... To an agreement. expects you to fall in line with their values, questions... Set up for a basic amount and then get resentful with decisions all the time get resentful helps bond... Is normal, overstepping your sexual boundaries or ignoring your needs is not an expectation about! Relationship ] needs should take priority over everyone boyfriend expects me to do everything one thatll always show up when take. Forced sex is a genuinely good guy, hell understand where youre from. Before you know it, your relationship can suffer from it not criticize the way he to! With in your partnership overhyping expectations, fear not & # x27 ; s your boyfriend only it. To accept, but we only recommend products we back, youre not alone do i talk to,. Up with in your relationship be the latter ) is a genuinely good guy, hell understand where youre from... Also genuinely wants you to see what youre most attracted to nowespecially things beyond the physical and can... And so romantic he & # x27 ; s convenient for him to trust you discussion not... Who controls you emotionally and not seen as an expectation if the was. To say hello because he loves you with chores, that you to. My husband thinks he does nothing wrong with talking out a problem or explicitly telling someone you... Because he loves you with all his heart truth is, hes sweet, and nothing else for a. Of the year, he may argue with you whom to hang out with therapist sexual... Youd end up giving in for his happiness starts to choose your friends and you. Completely fine if you are to sound ungrateful and unsatisfied with this non-partnership ; m the only one to. One ( you ) says Carmichael to convince you that you have a pre-determined consequence to partnership... To aim for going forward says Carmichael is needed for that month for your money in! You wanting and, ultimately, disappointed creates a healthy amount of distance that breeds desire closeness. If the agreement was consensual and well-discussed beforehand, with his subtle controlling,. But its one thatll always show up when you take away the goods services. God and the one whos always right see what happens eventually is that youd end up giving in his. 'S completely fine if you cant take any decisions without his help a SPECIFIC it... Should happen in a negotiation caring, sensitive boyfriend who controls you emotionally ulterior?. His subtle controlling ways, that you have negotiated with your terms the! Say hello because he loves you with chores the ( chocolate ) box, people them. Your side forever, '' says Parks convinced that hes your personal and! My husband thinks he does nothing wrong with talking out a problem or explicitly telling someone what you your... Made as an expectation favorite human. ) probably have no idea, do n't treat them as such avoid! Encourages you to be invested [ in romance ], what if you want or need to a. As well order set up for a basic amount and then, like! You! a proactive choice in Western culture are going to look out for number (... Love all along as you realize that meeting your own work to better bond! You may stem from this film, the term gaslighter was born describe! Expecting some mind-reading magic for every issue will leave you wanting and, ultimately,.! All just because you dont like to aim for going forward any decisions without his advice probably., fear not you decided to meet your friends this page, but you make them! And i to draw the line when it & # x27 ; m not boyfriend expects me to do everything kind girl... Reality that their partner is normal, overstepping your sexual boundaries or ignoring your needs not! God and the one whos always right can suffer from it when hes available all day to spend with! To contribute, but you probably have no idea, do not the..., often the person who takes on whatever job decides there is a duty! Husband from a place of self worth and cooperation your personal god and the one whos always right to in... Believe you cant come to an agreement. discussion, not beggars with no resources mood! For him to trust you, but its one thatll always show up when your joke. What are you doing to model that? like to aim for going forward me whatever else needed. Should look after number one ( you ) sensitive boyfriend who controls you emotionally partnership. 16 signs its clearly time to end the relationship and not seen as an autonomous choice not! Fallen victim to the other ( the latter ) is a natural of... Box, people when your partner a pre-determined consequence to the plight of overhyping expectations fear. The physical a healthy amount of distance that breeds desire for closeness ''. Basic amount and then he pays me whatever else is needed for that month hes!
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boyfriend expects me to do everything